I’ve been here before. The difference is that as a child, I wasn’t aware until after the fact. Now I’m more aware while navigating. This post has been pending for like two years and a little over. I kept holding back because I was skeptical and had many thoughts around my finance. Danicker what the fuck is Nigredo? For one, it is not something I made up, but instead what I became aware of. Maybe, just maybe… in a couple months, years… I’ll probably be like, “what on earth Danicker!” … But I know I won’t be surprised, because that’s who I am. I seek knowledge, I seek meaning. For a good reason, I am drawn to esoteric knowledge.
As a child I hated living with relatives and not having my mother around.
I fucking hated it, so, so badly, with a passion. It was more of an uncomfortable, humbling, depressing time in my life. I felt like I didn’t know what was going to happen next as I was basically, living out the experience. I didn’t know how to properly express my feelings, nor was I prompted too by the people around me. So, I kept that shit in. (The day I moved out was a breath of fresh spring air). But most of those feelings I kept in back then; (sadness, anger, depression, loneliness), I decided to bring up after becoming a mother, to use as fuel to push me to become a stay-at-home mother. To me, my childhood experience made sense for the decision I now had to make. It felt like putting 2 puzzle pieces together that fits perfectly.
Nigredo is that dark stage of a person life. The breaking down to later build up…
My very first breaking down was as a child all the way through adolescence. After that, there could have been one when I got separated from the first male I ever dated, but it didn’t feel very similar to my childhood experience.
After becoming a mother and deciding to stay at home, I would question myself, “I’m called to this, so why can’t I just be able to financially provide for myself and my kids without needing anyone’s help?” That anyone being the kids’ father. Knowing damn well we’re not in a relationship and also knowing damn well, it’s not something he’s happy doing. And, he doesn’t have to do it. This season (2021-2024), felt very similar to my childhood experience. It was uncomfortable because I wasn’t sure about what I was doing. I had to humbly rely on someone else, all while being doubted. I too kept questioning myself. Searching for my purpose and meaning. Wondering if Day Trading actually makes sense.
Thinking whether to put my kids in school and go get employed. Wondering if I actually would like to get married and if I even care to be in a relationship again; (after all, truth be told, the one person I’ve been in love with, feeling that mutual feeling, was the first male I dated, who just so happened to be into the illegal gun life. While all I wanted was to start a family)… Thinking about who I am, and what I truly value in life. During all this, I found myself saying all the time, “me feeling so helpless, will never be my reality again.” In late 2024 I told myself, “I will do the work I have to do because a part is already set for me”.
Somethings you can’t talk about right away over fear is being vulnerable. But at the same time, the longer you wait, some memory fades.
2025 was more like a clarity year. Realizing I have an ego and my ego won’t let me settle for less than what I desire in life. It’s like… I’m done with this season, but I also appreciate it. I see I have the power to shift my realities when I want. I like to fucking curse, which I was shielding for a long time. I’m a bit selfish, and I realize it while working towards my goals; and honestly… I’m starting to not feel bad about it.
my reality.
I see my fine self on the balcony of a high-rise at like 6:30 in the morning, while my kids are still asleep. My phone is intentionally off. It is peaceful, no distractions, and I’m focused. Wearing a white robe, and white socks on my feet. With a glass of red wine in my right hand, sipping slowly, while trying to get into the taste. One gold ring on my right hand, and another on my left. A gold chain, and maybe a third piercing on my ears. Smelling like chocolate, vanilla, and coconut all at the same time. Watching the sun rise while also being grateful that I didn’t interpret my difficult times as obstacles, but instead as necessary in order to be where I am…
This is peace. The atmosphere smells clean and fresh once more. I feel amazing. And, I smell like I spend my own money. Knowing that all that I am, I am. It is already done. I get the freedom to choose my reality. And if I truly desire to live being the best version of me in this world, then there will be periods of darkness that I have to go through. The darkness is what’s integrated, to experience the light/the fulfillment/the gold.
Romans 8:20-21
“For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.”
