I refuse to not speak about rejection as if I wasn’t rejected. Although I have been processing it for months on months in my mind, it took me some time to write about it. Rejection is one part, but then there’s the time spent accepting the truth.
I think the most painful part is realizing that it was all a fantasy in my mind. Time spent dreaming about a scenario, and finally, reality presented a character who happened to possess a lot (80%) of what my dream was made up of. To put the icing on the cake, it felt like it was going to be possible, and so the dreaming continued despite how contradictory reality continued to unfold.
Why was this what I asked for, what I dreamt about, yet now that it’s reality it’s like I don’t get to choose?
Processing.
I am such an optimist for thinking we were on the same page. It was never physical or personal, although for some reason my body reacted like it was. I truly thought that was my person, I was ready to go all in. I cannot believe that I felt comfortable and confident expressing my interest. How can I know what I want, that I felt brave saying it, but I didn’t realize the person I was saying it to, the knowing wasn’t mutual. It felt like I betrayed myself. And it hurt deeply. And just like the woman in Songs of Solomon warned her friends, I am her friend who also now warn my friends.
“Do not awaken love before its time”. This statement was used for a different reason. However, I choose to apply it to my scenario.
He must be so fucking full of himself now. Danicker was interested in him, and he remained unsure about her. I, hope he’s full of himself.
Solution.
What good is an experience if the lesson from that experience isn’t applied to your life? I stepped outside myself for the sake of being vulnerable. Rejection does not feel good to the human (the ego). At least this type of rejection. It makes you question yourself, you know… I often say don’t let our experiences consume us for the worst and make us have closed-off perspectives. Because experiences are opportunities to learn a new.
My solution for not encountering this type of rejection again is to not express my interest, seeing that that’s the part I can control. I imagine I may more than likely just be cool for a long time, if God and time permit.
I cannot help but to KNOW that, if it wasn’t HIM, then HIM is still out there. Very much nonchalant, assertive, knows his purpose, consumes green juice or water regularly, and very much to himself. And well, I’ve got some more time to achieve a goal I’ve been working on for the past 5 years.
A question I’m still pondering is whether rejection hurt more than the loss of my imagined future…
